Navigating Motherhood, Identity, and Uncertainty: A Conversation with Dr. Ingrid Nkongho
Navigating change—whether new parenthood, shifting identities, or major life decisions—can feel both profound and disorienting. At the Seleni Institute, Ingrid Nkongho, PsyD, Licensed Clinical Psychologist, helps individuals move through these transitions with clarity, self-compassion, and a deeper understanding of themselves.
Pregnancy, early parenthood, and major life transitions often bring a mix of anticipation, vulnerability, and unexpected emotional depth. In this conversation, Dr. Nkongho shares insights from her work supporting individuals through anxiety, identity shifts, and complex decision-making, and explores how therapy can offer grounding and meaningful support during these transformative stages.
What first drew you to the field of perinatal mental health? What keeps you connected to this work today?
My interest in perinatal mental health began after the birth of my own children, during a time when I had the good fortune to find myself surrounded by a vibrant community of new mothers. Through both personal experience and my work as a psychologist, I became acutely aware of the profound emotional and psychological challenges that accompany early motherhood. I saw firsthand how many women were quietly struggling—and how transformative the right support and resources could be. That realization compelled me to focus my clinical work on the perinatal population, where the need for meaningful, specialized care is both significant and often unmet.
What keeps me connected to this work is witnessing the ongoing evolution of motherhood. It is a powerful and complex developmental stage, and I am deeply committed to helping women navigate it with confidence and clarity.
This work is especially meaningful because I see tangible change: mothers who once felt overwhelmed and disconnected begin to rediscover themselves and establish their own rhythm. In those early stages, it can feel impossible for a new mom to believe she will ever feel like herself again. Being able to hold hope for her during that time—and ultimately watch her reclaim it—is both a privilege and a driving force behind the work I do.
“Being able to hold hope for a mother during a time when she cannot yet see it for herself—and ultimately watch her reclaim it—is both a privilege and a driving force behind the work I do.”
How would you describe your therapeutic style to someone who’s never been to therapy before?
I would describe my therapeutic style as warm, collaborative, and grounded in building a strong, trusting relationship. For someone new to therapy, it’s important to know that this is a space where you don’t have to have everything figured out or know exactly what to say—we move at your pace, without pressure or judgment. My priority is to create an environment where you feel safe, supported, and truly understood.
My work is rooted in a relational approach, which means I believe that healing happens through connection. The relationship we build in therapy becomes a foundation for exploring your experiences, making sense of challenges, and fostering meaningful change. I take the time to really get to know you—your story, your strengths, and what matters most to you—so that our work together feels both personalized and effective.
At the same time, I am active and engaged in the process. I offer insight, guidance, and practical tools when helpful, while also giving you space to reflect and grow. Therapy, in my view, is not about rushing toward solutions, but about creating lasting change through understanding, self-compassion, and a deeper connection to yourself.
Pregnancy and early parenthood can bring up unexpected emotions, even for people who feel prepared. What do you notice about this stage of life that surprises people most?
Pregnancy and early parenthood often bring emotional experiences that feel both unexpected and, at times, overwhelming—even for those who feel well-prepared. One of the most common surprises is how deeply this stage of life can surface aspects of a person’s own childhood. Becoming a parent can prompt reflection on how you were cared for, which may evoke both appreciation and gratitude, as well as unresolved hurt or frustration. This process can be powerful but also disorienting if it’s not anticipated.
Many women are also surprised by the range of emotions they experience during pregnancy and the postpartum period. Even in the absence of a diagnosable mental health condition, it’s common to feel more vulnerable, reactive, or emotionally raw than expected. These shifts are not a sign of weakness; they are part of a profound psychological and physiological transition.
Another significant challenge is the shift in identity. Integrating the role of “mother” into one’s existing sense of self can feel overwhelming, especially in a culture that often places high expectations on women while offering limited support. Many women find themselves asking, “Who am I now?” as they try to reconcile their previous identity with the demands and meaning of motherhood.
With the right support and space to process, the period of pregnancy and parenthood can become an opportunity for deeper self-understanding, growth, and connection.
Anxiety often intensifies during periods of change. From your perspective, why do transitions tend to amplify worry or self-doubt?
Transitions, by their very nature, disrupt our sense of control—and for many people, that loss of predictability is deeply unsettling. The degree to which this feels tolerable varies significantly from person to person, but when a sense of control is diminished, anxiety and self-doubt often rush in to fill that space.
What further intensifies this is the gap between perceived coping capacity and the actual demands of the transition. When a person feels—rightly or wrongly—that the challenges ahead outpace their ability to manage them, worry escalates. It's not simply the change itself that drives anxiety, but the internal appraisal of whether one is equipped to meet it.
This is where the support of a neutral, trained professional (such as a therapist) can make a meaningful difference. A therapist offers something that friends or family often cannot: an objective space to carefully untangle the threads of worry and self-doubt without judgment or personal stake in the outcome. Together, client and therapist can work to distinguish between concerns that are grounded in real circumstance and those that are driven by perception or fear—a distinction that is often difficult to make on one's own. From there, support can be thoughtfully tailored to what the individual actually needs, rather than what others assume they need.
“Ambivalence about parenthood is not a flaw or a failure. It is a deeply human response to one of life’s biggest decisions.”
You work with individuals navigating big decisions, including whether or not to become a parent. What do you believe is most important when someone feels uncertain or ambivalent?
Ambivalence about parenthood is not a flaw or a failure. It is a deeply human response to one of life's biggest decisions. When someone comes to me carrying that uncertainty, the first thing I want them to know is that their feelings deserve space, not judgment.
So much of what shapes our assumptions about parenthood—whether we "should" want it, what it means about us if we don't, or what kind of parent we might become—is rooted in cultural narratives and early life experiences that we've rarely had the opportunity to examine. Therapy creates the conditions to do exactly that: to question inherited models, challenge limiting beliefs, and reconnect with what one truly values and desires, separate from external expectation.
For some, that process brings clarity about a specific block (fear, grief, relational history, or circumstance) that has been standing in the way of a decision they already sense within themselves. For others, it opens up a more fundamental exploration of whether parenthood is the path they want at all. Both are valid, and both deserve to be held with equal care and respect.
These are among the most personal decisions a person will ever face. My role is not to guide someone toward any particular outcome, but to offer a validating, nonjudgmental space in which they can think clearly, feel fully, and ultimately arrive at a choice that is genuinely their own.
The term “matrescence” has gained more visibility in recent years. How do you explain it, and why does understanding it matter?
“Matrescence" is a term coined to capture the profound developmental stage of motherhood. Much like other recognized developmental phases—early childhood, adolescence, emerging adulthood—matrescence carries its own distinct set of tasks, milestones, and transitions. It encompasses the full arc of becoming and being a mother, spanning changes that are physical, emotional, psychological, and relational in nature."
At its core, matrescence offers a framework for honoring and holding space for one of the most significant transformations a person can undergo. It has the power to destigmatize experiences that are often misunderstood or pathologized like mood shifts, identity disruption, and bodily changes by reframing them not as symptoms of dysfunction, but as normative expressions of a major developmental passage.
When we recognize matrescence as a legitimate stage of human development, something meaningful shifts. Mothers gain language and validation for what they are living through. Practitioners can offer more informed, compassionate care. And the broader public develops a richer understanding of what the transition to motherhood actually entails. Naming this stage doesn't just add a word to our vocabulary. It expands our capacity for empathy and opens the door to more honest, supportive conversations around the maternal experience.
For someone who feels unsure about reaching out for therapy, what would you want them to know?
If you're feeling uncertain about starting therapy, know that you're not alone—that hesitation is completely normal and something many people experience.
I'd encourage anyone new to therapy to give themselves grace during the process. It's okay if it doesn't feel perfectly comfortable right away. Allow yourself a few sessions to get a sense of whether the therapist feels like the right fit—that relationship is at the heart of good therapy and finding someone you feel safe with is worth the time it takes.
Therapy offers you a dedicated space that is entirely your own; a place to share openly, reflect deeply, feel genuinely supported, and gain practical tools to help you navigate life's more challenging moments. Whether you're facing something specific or simply feeling like something is off, therapy can meet you exactly where you are.
Dr. Nkongho’s perspective highlights that life’s transitions are not problems to solve, but experiences to understand. With the right support, these moments can lead to meaningful growth and clarity.
If you’re navigating a transition and looking for guidance, you can request an appointment with Dr. Nkongho at the Seleni Institute to begin that process.
Ingrid Nkongho, PsyD
“For someone new to therapy, it’s important to know that this is a space where you don’t have to have everything figured out or know exactly what to say—we move at your pace, without pressure or judgment. My priority is to create an environment where you feel safe, supported, and truly understood.”
Specialties: Supporting patients with a wide range of mental health challenges across the developmental lifespan of motherhood, including:
Perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs)
Pregnancy loss
Fertility challenges
Ambivalence about or navigating the decision to become pregnant
History of relational trauma
Dr. Nkongho’s approach: She takes a warm, collaborative, and relational approach to therapy, creating a safe, nonjudgmental space where clients can build self-understanding, process challenges at their own pace, and develop meaningful, lasting change.
State licensure: New York, New Jersey, Connecticut
